Gravity & Acceptance

I broke a rule tonight.

It wasn’t a huge deal. It didn’t hurt anyone. Really, I barely did anything “wrong.” And I had a good reason for it, which the person who kind of chastised me for it acknowledged when I explained why I did it.

But guess what? I could not get over it. I’m still struggling a bit with it.

I’m generally a rule follower. I don’t ever want to inconvenience others. I especially don’t want to be called out by anyone for doing something wrong.

So while I had good reason for what I did and felt pretty okay with it at first, because I didn’t do anything wrong, it made me so uncomfortable. I almost immediately started down a slide of self-blame and admonishment, trying to internally explain why I was right and why it was okay. I was starting an hour and fifteen minute yoga class, and it festered for the WHOLE CLASS.

I am super hard on myself. I’ve known that for years, but I’ve recently been discovering how subtle it is buried in my psyche. I’m learning how to talk to myself in a kinder way, but boy, is it hard! Tonight I had a constant back and forth with the negative thoughts and the reminders to be kind, all during what was supposed to be my end-of-week relaxation.

Then, near the end of the practice, the teacher was explaining that in this class, you just let gravity do its thing and said the words, “Gravity and acceptance.”

Whoa!

That was a moment for me.

Gravity- a force I can’t control. Acceptance- of things I can’t control and what I desperately need to give myself in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I was struggling to accept myself due to one thing I did (that I had initially been proud of!). Everyone had moved on from it, but there I was stewing in it.

At the end, the teacher had us think of a word we wanted to give more of to ourselves. I, fittingly, chose “kindness.” We repeated it three times to ourselves.

Kindness. Kindness. Kindness.

We enhanced it with the word “everlasting.”

Everlasting kindness. Everlasting kindness. Everlasting kindness.

Finally… Eternal kindness. Eternal kindness. Eternal kindness.

I deserve that from myself. All.the.time.

I freely give it to just about everyone else in the world! So why not me?! Also, I must accept the kindness I am offering myself. And I need to accept all of me, including the boldness I showed tonight.

That might be one of the boldest things I ever do.