I am hard on myself. I always knew that, but I’ve been learning the last year that, in fact, I am very hard on myself.
My body. My poor body. It has been dealt the harshest criticisms from Yours Truly. I have struggled since I was at least 10 to accept my body.
I was a chubby kid. I grew tall early, developed early, weighed “a lot” early. I remember because we got weighed every so often in elementary school at PE so our weight could be written on the back of our report cards. Right there in pen. About 3 times a year.
I distinctly remember in 5th grade the PE teacher having me record all the weights as she used the old balance scale, pushing each weight side to side. It was pretty clear when she had to use the hundreds weight. I always knew why she had me record the weights.
By middle school I was very overweight, especially 7th grade. Weighed at PE again. Praying with all my might the kid behind me didn’t hear the teacher say, “Jackie, You can’t weigh 200 pounds.”
I did. 206. I will never forget that number.
That was also the year my mom had cancer, and it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that was why I gained so much weight. For 15 years I just blamed myself for… something.
As everyone knows, kids are super cruel in middle school. It’s a billion times worse if you’re fat. I had family and “friends” say awful things to me too. This is a topic that deserves its own post!
I think 7th grade was my heaviest, but I was always chubby or fluffy or fat in my high school, college, and early adult years. By my mid-20’s I figured I would always be and would just get fatter.
Until…
2008
A Weight Watcher group started at the school where I teach. I was reluctant to join. I was the last person to join and only did because I was strong armed into it when they needed one more person.
And then it changed my life. Not hyperbole.
It was challenging at first. I cried, hard, the first night. Then, I started losing. By the time I lost 5 pounds, I was so happy. I had NEVER lost weight on purpose before. I had lost weight here and there but only due to circumstances. This time I was in control.
I lost about 35 pounds and made Lifetime status in 9 months. At one point I lost 50 pounds. I felt so good and like a new person. It was so much fun to go to my 10 year reunion! Some people didn’t even know who I was!
I stayed at or below my goal weight for 10 years. A whole decade! I even started working for WW.
Then, with age and life and I don’t know what, I fell off the wagon… Truthfully, just a little. I KNOW I didn’t get too crazy. I know I have only gone a bit over goal. But… I’m ridiculously hard on myself, especially, especially about this. I have made myself feel like a total and complete failure. I’ve been feeling so fat lately. Like I’m out of control and won’t ever regain the control I’ve had for 10 years. Especially after the holidays and all my indulgences when I couldn’t seem to stop eating or drinking. The spiral I can go down about this is extensive! There are clothes I won’t even try on because I’m sure they won’t fit. I don’t know that; I just think they won’t.
But then I think, hey, I’ve been having fun. The holiday indulgences, the dates I’ve been on… Fun! Plus, when I step back and look, maybe I haven’t gained as much weight as my cruel self tries to tell me. (Imagine that!)
I went to yoga today. I went into the bathroom when I got there, looked in the mirror, and was shocked.
I liked what I saw. I was okay, more than okay, with what I saw. Of me. Of my body.
Have I lost some weight being more on a routine after the holidays, drinking more water, moving more, less snacking? Perhaps.
Or maybe I saw myself for how I really look, instead of the harsh, mean way I usually imagine myself.
Whatever it is, it felt wonderful to accept myself. To love myself just the way I am.
I was at the store after yoga and, for the first time in months, I pulled out my WW app to check the points on a snack I was thinking of buying. I’ve avoided doing that for awhile because I didn’t want to be honest with myself.
Turns out, I haven’t lost control at all.
And, being totally honest with myself now, I am just right and pretty spectacular just the way I am. Always.
Just Write, Jackie! 