I debated if I should write a post like this – with raw and real feelings. But then I thought, what’s the point of sharing an experience if I don’t truly share the experience? So I have to say that tonight, I am feeling pretty angry and sad about things.
I carry a pretty steady feeling of anger and sadness about my/our situation. I cry significantly less than when things started to change- perhaps for survival or from being in less denial or just being more “used to it”, as cold as that sounds to me. But those feelings are always, always there under the surface. (I know I haven’t said what “it” is, what is going on with my mom. I will, but I’m not there yet.)
There are many levels to these feelings; today it’s about the fact that it’s happening. I know there is no rhyme or reason to these things, but sometimes I look around and see people older than my mom and older than me who haven’t been through what we’re going through and it makes me angry. Really, really angry. It feels so unfair.
Today I was talking to someone who is about 10 years older than me. She was sharing a story about a problem she’d had this morning, and she said, “So I called my parents because who else do you call at 6 AM with a problem like that?” My father died when I was young, so my mom who I care for is my only living parent. Comments like that make me scream deeply on the inside, “I’m out here doing it myself, for her and for me, damn it! I’m all alone!”
She meant no harm with her story, and I’m not upset with her. It just hit me in a certain way. It caused a feeling that I can’t explain… Jealousy? Numbness? A sadness that is pushed down? I don’t know how to describe it. It’s sadness and anger but somehow with an acceptance of, “This is where I am.” I’ve sort of gotten used to this feeling, which I don’t like. That also feels cold and unfeeling to say.
I wasn’t feeling this way all day but got increasingly irritated as the evening went on. I sat with my anger for a bit- the irritation at every little irksome thing, the cursing when I ran into a box, the irritability, and, yes, more cursing, at having one.more.thing I had to do today- and when I let those feelings go a little deeper, I knew that I am actually just so very sad tonight. This feels so hard sometimes because it’s a sadness that I can’t do anything about; it feels like the only way out is through more sadness.
I’ve been trying to write more about that, but it’s making me more sad. So I’m going to sit with my sadness. Feel it. Cry. Hug my favorite blanket. Pray. Rest.
Just Write, Jackie! 