Author: Jackie

Some wanderlust, a pinch (or two!) of adventure, and a love of storytelling... welcome to my travels!

Monday, Today

The sky today was covered with low hanging clouds that filtered the light in an ethereal way, like dusk was just a breath away all day. It was cold and windy and was one of the few days we’ve had this season that actually felt like fall. 

Today was weird.

That was the word that kept coming to mind as I tried to figure it all out. 

It started bright and early with stress and assumptions and too much stimulation for my brain, too many things to figure out and be responsible for. 

And yet I kept feeling a bit like I was floating above it all. I would usually get angry about the goings on, but somehow, today, I was like an outsider watching it all. 

My students had the usual continual requests and needs to share stories with me, and rather than my tendency to panic and stress over their bombardments mixed with all my other responsibilities, I took a different approach. I turned my ear to them as I multitasked… that alone wasn’t the shift in me, I do that every day, but I made a conscious decision to truly enjoy the connections I was having instead of being overcome with all the stress. 

There was a behavior situation within it all. Rather than chastising, I sat and chatted with the student, and suddenly it all diffused, even to my astonishment. And we both smiled and laughed and it felt good. 

We, my students and I, took an unexpected break and paused some things today, mostly all beyond my control. And at some point, I decided to just let it flow. 

The day felt weird. It looked weird outside the window too. Just a feeling of something different. 

I realized later in the day that maybe this weirdness feeling was actually me feeling overwhelmed. So at the end of the day, the day that I didn’t feel like enough was accomplished, and after feeling like we’d been spinning our wheels most of the day, I sat down with my students to read them a story. I knew it would make me feel better; it’s one of my favorite things to do with them. 

And the way they ran to their spots by my rocking chair when I told them and the way they couldn’t wait for me to start reading, let me know that it’s one of their favorite things too, and they needed it too 

We all needed it on this strange day. 

One of my favorite quotes is from Emerson,

     “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

In the past I would have fretted about all those blunders and would have felt like a failure. But not today. 

It wasn’t the day I had planned, but it taught me some important lessons: try a different way, be gentle with yourself and others, share a story with friends, and let it go. 

As I drove home, the sun was finally peeking out of the overcast sky. The sun was low, my favorite light of the day, and it shone on a tree that flamed in bright red-orange. 

Today, it finally felt like and finally looked like fall, the season of letting go. 

Gravity & Acceptance

I broke a rule tonight.

It wasn’t a huge deal. It didn’t hurt anyone. Really, I barely did anything “wrong.” And I had a good reason for it, which the person who kind of chastised me for it acknowledged when I explained why I did it.

But guess what? I could not get over it. I’m still struggling a bit with it.

I’m generally a rule follower. I don’t ever want to inconvenience others. I especially don’t want to be called out by anyone for doing something wrong.

So while I had good reason for what I did and felt pretty okay with it at first, because I didn’t do anything wrong, it made me so uncomfortable. I almost immediately started down a slide of self-blame and admonishment, trying to internally explain why I was right and why it was okay. I was starting an hour and fifteen minute yoga class, and it festered for the WHOLE CLASS.

I am super hard on myself. I’ve known that for years, but I’ve recently been discovering how subtle it is buried in my psyche. I’m learning how to talk to myself in a kinder way, but boy, is it hard! Tonight I had a constant back and forth with the negative thoughts and the reminders to be kind, all during what was supposed to be my end-of-week relaxation.

Then, near the end of the practice, the teacher was explaining that in this class, you just let gravity do its thing and said the words, “Gravity and acceptance.”

Whoa!

That was a moment for me.

Gravity- a force I can’t control. Acceptance- of things I can’t control and what I desperately need to give myself in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I was struggling to accept myself due to one thing I did (that I had initially been proud of!). Everyone had moved on from it, but there I was stewing in it.

At the end, the teacher had us think of a word we wanted to give more of to ourselves. I, fittingly, chose “kindness.” We repeated it three times to ourselves.

Kindness. Kindness. Kindness.

We enhanced it with the word “everlasting.”

Everlasting kindness. Everlasting kindness. Everlasting kindness.

Finally… Eternal kindness. Eternal kindness. Eternal kindness.

I deserve that from myself. All.the.time.

I freely give it to just about everyone else in the world! So why not me?! Also, I must accept the kindness I am offering myself. And I need to accept all of me, including the boldness I showed tonight.

That might be one of the boldest things I ever do.

Monday Musings, Part 1

Part 1 because I’m sure this won’t be the first of this series!

Woo, Monday.

It wasn’t bad, and it wasn’t good. I put off writing until I was so sleepy I either had to write or had to go to bed. But I made a promise to myself!

Today I found out one of my students has to go to a different class. It’s for the best, I guess, but it makes me so sad. This student is so sweet, and I hope the adjustment is smooth. It won’t be the same in my room, and I wish there was another option.

On the other hand, today I wore a scarf around my neck à la Mary Tyler Moore. About 20 minutes into the day, one of my girls came out of the backpack area with a red scarf tied around her neck, just like me! I don’t know where she even found a scarf! But it was so cute. She sorta gave me a sideways glance with a smile as if she was saying, “see what I did here?!” Nothing makes you feel better than an 8 year old imitating you!

Later at recess, another girl and I were chatting. “Miss, do you have any children?” “No,” I answered. “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No.” “Do you have a anything?!”

…

I told her I have a cat. She laughed. I laughed. Still a little unclear how I feel about that interaction! Just kidding. I have come a long way in how I take things from others! Plus, kids are funny.

I worked late tonight. I do that a lot. I do that too much. Not really sure how not to do that. In an effort to streamline my work, I try to assign one official “stay late day” a week. Often times I don’t stay on track with that, but I’m getting better. And I’m finally back in a routine after some busy and stressful weeks. Even though I stayed late, I got a lot accomplished and felt productive. It almost kept me from having the gumption to write, but I persevered!

My whole body hurts tonight. I’m thinking it’s the cool, damp air. How old am I?!

I don’t get to bed easily or early; I’m a perpetual night owl. Tonight, however, I’m trying. I’m just waiting for my stubborn cat to come in…

To that darn cat!

And to Monday Musings!

Writer’s Block

I’m a huge Golden Girls fan. I own all 7 seasons on DVD, and I can find a moment of the show for just about any life moment. Those Girls were the best!

There’s a scene when Blanche has decided to become an author, but she has writer’s block. “It’s the worst feeling in the world!” she exclaims to the other Girls. “Wanna bet?” Sophia quips!

I’ve been thinking about this blog for months. I usually have ideas coming out of my ears. Currently, I’m in a place and time where I can and want to write (alone at a bar!), but I can’t think of one thing I’ve wanted to write about lately. 

One of my favorite authors from childhood is Roald Dahl. In my day job, I teach elementary school. A couple years ago I celebrated “Roald Dahl Day” with my class for his 100th birthday. We read many of his books; explored the themes of The BFG, particularly the Dream Jar; and listened to recorded interviews of him from the Internet. 

He had a writing cottage out behind his house. If that’s not THE dream, I don’t know what is! He said that everyday he made himself sit in his chair until noon whether he had anything to write or not. That was a big inspiration for me to start this blog. Just. Write. Jackie!

Maybe my writing cottage is this bar. Maybe I make myself sit here a certain amount of time no matter what {I kid- mostly!}. 

Truthfully, coming here was a bit of an exercise in motivation. They serve half-priced drafts on Sundays, and for a couple weeks I’ve been trying to get myself out, even if it meant going on my own. I finally did it today! There’s just something about getting out on my own that is terrifying but exhilarating. It definitely gives me time to think and process writing ideas too. 

So I’m glad I’m sticking it out here. I enjoy the half-price drafts; I do not particularly enjoy allll the time in my head. But then sometimes I do. So I write!

And I’ve done that for today. Twice. And it feels good to get started! 

To Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, Sophia, and Roald! And to my second post. 

Cheers!

Beginnings

I started this blog to get me to… just write! 

I enjoy writing and know I can only get better at it with frequent practice and regular writing. I’ve decided that I will try to commit 15 minutes every day (maybe 5/7 days a week) to just write. Hence, “Just Write, Jackie!” is born. Why not share the constant barrage of musings in my tender brain with the world?! 

There is no particular theme here. Sometimes my writing will be funny; sometimes it’ll be somber. Maybe you’ll be interested or maybe posts will bore you. The point is for me to just write. And hopefully my voice will emerge and strengthen. 

I have to remember that it doesn’t have to be extra polished and fancy. I will edit and proofread. Goodness will I do that always! But I am working hard to not get caught up in the details and to just… write!

Thank you for joining me on this journey. I express myself best with the written word, and I am thankful to have this venue and opportunity to do that. 

To discipline and words and dreams and new journeys!