Burnt Toast

I burnt my toast today. To.a.crisp.

That isn’t a huge tragedy, I know. But it was symbolic of how I was feeling about current situations.

I had put my toast in the toaster, and then my mom needed my help as it toasted. I am her caregiver these days, so that’s par for the course. I heard it pop up, and thought, “Shoot. I hope I get to it before it gets cold.”

I didn’t.

Okay. These things happen. Let me toast it a few more seconds to warm it up.

It happened again. She needed me while it was heating up. I forgot about it… until it was smoking and burnt to a crisp.

This felt like the perfect metaphor to how caregiving can feel, at least how it feels to me. Sometimes the needs of the person you’re caring for supersede or interrupt yours or your desires or wants or plans. It’s a tough place to be in.

I am thankful to help my mom. I could choose to do things differently, but this feels right to me. It still comes with a lot of sacrifice and some very mixed up feelings- joy at seeing her happy and comfortable, frustration when I can’t go do what I want, immense stress at the responsibility of making decisions on another’s behalf, perpetual grief even amongst the happy times… the list is endless.

It’s also a lonely journey, which is part of why I want to write about it. All summer I’ve thought this would be a good way to process what I’m going through. I have had this blog for so long. I started it to get me to JUST WRITE- even just 15 minutes a day! I haven’t done that… at all!

But today my toast burned up, and a bit of me felt that way too. I was angry for a moment. Angry at the burnt toast, but really angry at things I feel like I’m missing out on: Trips this summer. Beach days. Just having my time for me… the list is endless.

So I decided to finally write about it today. Maybe it’ll help others; hopefully it’ll help me. Either way, it feels good to write.

All is well now. I made another piece of toast. I calmed down. And I wrote today.